X's_space

20年前，龙应台开始酝酿写关于1949年的事，做为一个生在台湾的外省老兵的后代，蒋家王朝大约是最大的目标。胡佛研究院的蒋介石日记开放，她于是每天排队去做笔记，然而当读到蒋要用光荣的头衔去买士兵的生命，她放弃了写蒋的念头，这当然和她大女人和自由斗士自我定位的是相背的，她要写这些炮灰，写这些枯骨，写她的父亲母亲和他们的战友，许许多多活下来的受尽磨难和屈辱，或者顶着光荣的头衔和野狗一样死去的人们。于是有了这本《大江大河，1949》。

 

当然没有什么人的生活总是一帆风顺，人生有过不完的关，在大大小小的磨难面前，人们的神经被相应地磨钝。

 

书我还没读，所以不好评论，但是龙本人确实是个充满智慧和蛊惑力的女人。大陆有人叫她“龙姥姥”，想来功力颇深，且不论她的观点是否正确。前天在大西洋城HILTON的房间里，边吃早饭边看TVBS，正在播台湾的一个访谈节目叫做：101 峰会。说句题外话：原本以为台湾同胞关心的只是小S的出位言行或是邻家阿婆的大杂煮，原来也有人关心民生历史。而且这个访谈节目做得相当有趣味性，起码比凤凰卫视那些味同嚼蜡的“一虎一席谈，”“锵锵三人行”之类要强许多，两个充满智慧的女人你来我往，侃侃而谈，吸引你一定看下去，有时候喉咙还会哽住说不出话来。

 

龙应台讲到她父亲最喜欢的《四郎探母》，讲到父亲每次看到杨四郎，一个拥有双重国籍的人，纠结的国仇家恨，一个大男人没有办法解决，只能一个长跪剪断母子恩情，回到番邦去过小日子了，每次都要心有戚戚地落泪。这折戏曾经在台湾被禁了好久。最早一代的台湾外省人对中国传统文化有切入骨髓的经验感受，第二代台湾人有耳濡目染的向往和依恋，而最近一代，要么彻底抛弃，哈日哈韩，比如SHE，要么就只留下镜花水月的空壳子了，比如周杰伦。

 

《大江大河，1949》在大陆遭到很多同行的批判，尤其批她对这本书的爱怜推崇和炒作伤痕文学的嫌疑。这点我非常能理解，哪有一个母亲不爱自己的子女，即使最谦逊的父母也有他们最低调的炫耀孩子的方式。大陆有没有和她文学造诣同等或者更高的写手，答案是肯定的。那么他/她们会不会写一本这样有争议的书，能不能出版，恐怕暂时没有这个机会，有这个想法，或许只能寄情历史题材。而龙作为一个国际人，就是有这个自由。所以在我看来，许多这样的批评多多少少带有点酸葡萄的心理。

 

所以，我会去读一读这本书，也推荐所有不是只关心自己的一亩三分地的朋友们也去读一读。

 

I was watching it

I was listening to it

As Life and passion draining away from my body

In a country so far and remote

So near and dear

Conflicting thoughts hurt my heart

One drop of tear from morning

Wandering down at midnight

Same aroma rises from warm coffee pot

Same dust covers paper-crammed desk

I weren't sure

Whether I am at present

Or simply well-preserved old past

What I really want to say is:

Happy B-day, my China

I love U

Even if I don't know how to love

 

 

我不是愤青，但是看了WENDY'S的广告，坚决不去那里吃饭，本来她家的饭也没有什么特别APPEALING的地方，可是没有想到那个满脸雀斑，扎两个小辫的傻妞会那样的MEAN - 公司里的LUNCHTIME，一个皮肤黝黑，颧骨高突，唇厚色暗，小眼锅盖头，不知道从哪里蹦出来的亚裔WSN，正在和两个同事吃汉堡聊天，英文蹩脚，举止刻板，说话愚蠢。反感！反感！自认为自己多年来锻炼出来宠辱不惊，远没有刚来美国时的1/10敏感，还是觉得这个ANNOYING。ANYWAY，晾起她来，让这厮自以为是地自生自灭去吧。

 

周六去G/D小夫妻家小坐，聊起来大NY地区是美国CULTURE SHOCK最少的一处。确实，NYC的FORGIVING是任何一个充满红脖子，变态的TEENAGEER或者JUDGEMENTAL的老大妈的其他地域不能比拟的，也是我身处其中感觉最舒服的一个城市，没有那么强烈的SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS。而纽约的宽容不是因为破罐破摔的落魄，而是因为无可争议的时尚之都。怪不得CP同志，一个NJ土包子，在NY上了几天班，魂牵梦萦，念念不忘，最近破镜重圆以后眉飞色舞地讲起来3块钱一大桶的HAPPY HOUR，还老饼贴金地配了一幅CONTACT，啧啧，我是只有感慨的份。

 

BE PART OF IT，BE A PART AWAY FROM IT。

 

    从来没有想到过我会变成一个FOOTBALL FAN，准确地说，应该是“SUPER BOWL” FAN，美式足球，每年只看这一次，今年只是第二次看而已。

    去年的启蒙教育在加州长滩，开年会的时候正赶上SUPER BOWL，而巧中又巧的是，赶上GIANT对PATRIOT。如果不是C drag me down,如果不是 A 也在，我可能也不会去。A 是读过RUTGERS本科的印尼华人，对美国CULTURE的了解已经非常地道，对我的无知的一个PERFECT BUFFER。加上N，我们四个人下午3点就溜出来去会议中心对面的STEAKHOUSE AND BAR看球。其实那次还是没有看得太明白，酒吧里吵得厉害，只记得对其中有一个广告有点印象，就是一个小孩子给人们投资的建议，一边说一边还在吐奶（E-TRADE）- 今年他又出来了，和一个小黑BUDDY。后来才知道这个广告的灵感来自《FAMILY GUY》里那个早熟的小娃娃。哈哈，还有就是我大着肚子在酒吧里灌凉可乐有那么一点点过分。不过看到最后几分钟GIANT夺冠还是狠狠激动了一把。

    足球看什么，就是看的峰回路转，旗鼓相当。

    今年在家里和老公一起看，一盒花生米，一打啤酒，60英寸的大屏幕，爽极了，静下来看，其实足球的大体规则非常简单，就是一点一点抱着球往对方的N ZONE里挪，不过其实得分的多数都是意料之外的远距离球，打到SUPER BOWL的球队一般都实力不差，就是要看准了对方疏于防范的时候才能TD。STEELER今年赢得多少有点不光彩，靠球员犯规拖延时间。However, championship is championship. The winner takes all. Super bowl 的广告一般都比较好看，有点印象的HULU.COM的Alian invasion - 一个免费提供TV STREAMVIEW的网站；MONSTER.com 的moose；Buderwise的OFFICE MEETING；而careerbuiler.com不断重复的广告词让我想起国内的脑白金广告。

    Super bowl 就像一个FESTIVAL，hearty laugh, pumping blood and joy. The day is over, but the memory will always last...

    那天李湘采访冯小刚，说道他的新电影《非诚勿扰》。冯评论舒琪的时候说道她的魅力到现在才开始，那种在娱乐圈里摸爬滚打多年，是非名利都看淡的从容真的能衬托他这个梦中情人非同一般的美丽。而片子里另外一个女演员徐若萱也说过，她美丽的秘诀就是快乐，用快乐去感染周围的人。说到我心里的话。

    又是一年过去了，去年有过很多开心或是不开心的事情。再回头看，心里充满感谢，因为我悄然而生的改变。感谢这些打磨，给我一颗坚强忍耐的心；感谢我的家庭，给我挡风遮雨的保护；感谢我的伴侣，永远给我被爱的感觉；感谢我的孩子们，让我有机会练习变成一个无所不能的“铁人妈妈”；感谢我的父母，让我感受回报的幸福；感谢我的朋友，听我倾诉琐碎的心声。因为爱他们，所以保持快乐年轻的心。

     给自己的新年愿望：Be happy, be forgiving, be smart, be generous。

幸福的歌 常常因为豁达 不是因为获得

Yes, I know, soaring preach echoing in my soul

By the night, lay flat, let free my mind

Listen to the peace and excitement

是因为一颗不可救药浪漫的灵魂

I can die right now

 

“In this world full of pleasure so fragile

那薄如蝉翼的未来，经不起谁来猜

Let's just hurry up before it gets too old,

我的心脏，我的天堂，双手奉上

While you lost what you have found and you found what you need

我战败的消息，和满地血迹

Time will teach you how it feels

这是个天大的错误

Now I know what for

 

I hear your talk, girl, now your consciousness is clear

这种世道叫做乱世，你继续

I will never hear you; I will never do what you say

我轻轻一跃掉进人的河里

I don't care there is different thoughts, different thoughts are good for me.

我只能一再请你相信我

Greedy people, nervous people, people got news to sell

 

我爱这音乐，我爱这世界，我爱今晚的一切"

 

 

Olympic is a big excitement for China, and the world. As the western world slowly digest the mixture of the preservative and hippy culture in the Far East, I often burst to laugh to see their opinions. Here is an extract from NBC.com, amusing:

 

Saving face: A guide to surviving Beijing By Greg Groggel, NBCOlympics.com

 

Once, twice, three times a lady

If you feel so compelled to offer someone a gift while in China, know that it's polite to refuse the present two or three times before accepting. Be persistent with the offering. Waiting for the gift reflects modesty and humility while grabbing something in haste is a sure sign of aggression and greed. As for wrapping, stick with red, which represents luck; avoid white and black as they are most often associated with funerals.

 

Pushing on up

Waiting in line for anything in Beijing can be a very Darwinian experience of sink or swim. If you follow what your mother taught you, you'll never see the front of the counter. Diminutive sweet old ladies will barge through you like you're not even there. So when the occasion calls, don't be hesitant to put those fabled American haunches to good use.

 

When in Rome

Nothing quite says wealthy foreigner like taking a taxi to hop around the city. Instead, try renting a bicycle. And not just any bicycle either. But a one-speed, basket-sporting, brakes-not-working, local Chinese bike. It will offer the instant street credibility you covet. The sight of you on a bike should even encourage friendly smiles and brief exchanges. Now if only you could understand what they were saying.

 

You've been haggled

Bargaining is the lingua franca of Beijing's many markets. Perhaps frustrating at first, it quickly becomes a game for the shrewd. When you first ask how much an item is, the proprietor will likely pull out a calculator and type in an exorbitant number. Act appalled, throw up your hands, and counter with about 25 percent of the asking price. They, in turn, will often respond with a dramatic show of their own. From there, settle on a happy medium. All that work for a lousy T-shirt.

 

Uncle Sam can be very dramatic and very sensitive sometime. Adrian Wojnarowski on Yahoo cries for Yao Ming’s sacrifice for China with much indignation. A hero is doomed to break up, for what make him being sanctification, his toll, his fate and the discontentment of onlooker. I got to read Yao’s story sometime. Disney could make another  legendary out of it, as the one in Mulan, near and dear to my heart.

 

Beijing 2008, 精彩纷呈，尽在其中  

 

Thursday, Feb 7, West coast time 11:00 AM. I am sitting in front of the boarding gate, wait for my plane. I should have seen LA much better than I have done now - since lots of time has been wasted. I end up only ride the cab and Metro rail for a long time and walk till exhausted on Hollywood blvd with some Baja fresh in my stomach. How about sunset blvd, How about Farmer's market, How about Beverly Hill and Rocheo Drive, still in my dream. Chris said there is no much you can do in Hollywood. No, NO, NO, we just missed them all. Here is one advice for who don't have much time to explore a city - take a tour! People think they are the smartest in saving time and money, wrong. Bye bye LA, with a bit of regret, maybe that is the rule of life. However, four point LAX hotel impressed me in a nice way. This last day's stay is very warm and convenient. The staffs are nice and helpful and the hotel rate is very reasonable. I will definitely stay here again given any chance.

 

On the Chinese New Year, I am thinking: Money is beautiful. If money can buy a good time, I will definitely pay for it. If I were as rich as I wished, I will be luxurious and generous. I will treat myself and my family with ultimate comfort, elegant and convenience; I will return people's warmth and friendship with tons of cash and I can afford to avoid anyone I don't want to see out of my sight, for good. If I have any New Year wish, that was it. When I grow and learn, from the ever-changing environment, from the surrounding peoples, I obtain their traits, blend into my own personality and outgrow my source. It is only frightful to look back and found how much you have changed. One brand-new year, things start to feel right. I sincerely hope, bad luck go away, I will be a happy, active person again. Good luck to all my friends too!

 

据说人在强烈的痛苦刺激下会产生极度的快感。想到即将到来的自由和快乐，我头脑发昏，两脚发轻，渴望一步就跨出这个充满 trouble, 悲伤和平庸的2007年 - 一切都会好起来的，我相信。P 说得没错，象我这样的人，做什么重大的决定一定要有足够的动力，尤其是摆脱几乎变成习惯的安逸，仅仅不满还是不够，那需要刻骨的仇恨 - 所以感谢那些契而不舍给我刺激的人，感谢天崩地裂的那一刻，让我在震惊之余窃以为 - 原来不过如此；让我有机会在多年以后，可以轻蔑地一笑，总结过往的蹉跎岁月 - 原来反复称量的得失，抵不过时间温柔的安抚，和不断变迁的世界。

 

所幸痛苦是多产的，所谓“生于忧患，死于安乐”。仇恨和渴望激励我昂扬的斗志，我还有娇美的容颜，清晰的头脑和敏捷的判断力。谁知道：浪推舟，船无心恋战，却一心驶向更远的地方。

 

小雪，冰雨，连绵了一整天，不到4点钟窗外就灰蒙蒙的。

昨天系里的chrismas lunch 在 Rutgers club 办的, 食物比较一般,连嚼了两片带着血丝的羊腿和味道极淡的蔬菜,pasta 若干.不过Club里圣诞装饰得很地道,殖民时期的老房子总带着一种淡淡的青苔味道, 看起来也是一种享受. 系主任是个生活考究的女人,八卦的同学早对她早年生子婚变的经历了如指掌 - 我是很喜欢她的,很大部分因为她把系里的人都当作同事,从来没有什么等级之分,只要你说得有理,也会很认真的倾听讨论 - 卖弄和吹捧权威的陋习我是反感极了. 没有她就没有每年的圣诞Party,大家坐在一起,好朋友聊聊天,消磨掉节日里几个小时慵懒的光,平复了许多因为压力而沮丧的心情. 话又说回来,这里还缺个壁炉. 没有壁炉的冬天感觉总是冷冷的, 可惜我家也没有.

 

年末,许多事情都需要等待,充满耐心的等,焦虑烦躁的等,总之在等,希望未来的一年一切都会变好.

 

Rain started outside - it has been extremely cold these days. So is life. Solitude as I always had been. Who does not know this? Two people is accompany, three people is a crowd.

 

Cold made my mind clear, clear as crystals. As they say, the “afterward” wisdom. I knew exactly what I should have done to avoid frustration, after frustrated. Therefore, no choice lies ahead, except, start over, once again. I began to think of Scarlet in ‘Gone with the wind’ – my teenage hero. The soil in Tara made her strong. She won’t complain for anything she has to bear. So did I. Even though my ability to grab success may be limited, I can absorb as much as tribulation. No pain is going to matter, at the end.

 

I need to always remember: investigate, investigate carefully, do it ahead of time. Fixing damage good may feel good, but the result will always be less perfect and there are more efforts involved. After all, buying a boat is better than building a boat; building a boat is better than fixing a boat.

 

A promise is made up to keep, Or promise is made up to break.

The truth is: I am still passoniate enough to make them, but not honor enough to keep them.

 

Saturday night, John, my neighbor, hold a sweet sixteen party for his step-daughter. It was a great party: Hawaii style decoration, colorful canopies, good DJ music, wonderful food, even watermalon was cutt into some kind of artistic shape. After it got dark, I sneak back for my swimming suit and played in the pool for a while - I  had a good time indeed. Peng had a good time too. He is somehow very presentable that night so that Margaret, the women next door call him "sweet". I couldn't agree any more and I know she mean it too.

 

I first met her at John's 4th of July party - her name is the same as Margaret Mitchell, the author of my favoriate book. She is easy-going, natural and comforting. All the topics she brought up interested me enough and her comments were unique. She made me thinking of HM, another Sagitatus girl I hanged out a couple of times - I like Sagitatus girls, they seems to be quite independent and knowledgable. I always regreted I don't have the chance to be a friend with H. After chatting with Margaret for sometime, I think I really like her so that I invite her to have pizza together on Sunday night. She said she had a friend come over but she will try to manage time.

 

As a matter of fact, too many things can break your promise: I have to work, I have to shopping, I have a empty stomatch early, I am longing for the corn dog from Narthan's and I don't have her number handy. Finally, I decide to let it go, not meaning that I am not guilty when hearing her meassage and seeing her lonely night light. All right, I admit, I am a terrible person.

 

And, in attempting to keep all my promises, I won't make any any more. 

"好过瘾啊！"在帝国大厦旁边的FOREVER 21的店里， 我和张老师一件一件试穿着花里胡梢的衣服，她由衷地感叹道。女人就是女人，不论年纪，总有一个领域没办法和男人沟通共享的。

 

今天GRAND TOUR的最后一站，她登到帝国大厦顶端，见证腐朽资本主义的极品夜生活；我象地老鼠一样流窜在纽约入夜的街头，累，饿，头痛，一会儿蜷缩在路边的长椅上，一会儿站起来活动一下麻木的双腿。No matter what I do，nobody cares, which feels, totally free.

 

收获不小：上衣，围裙，项链。在时代广场的TGI Friday吃掉昂贵的鸡肉饭，和消费一杯啤酒。

 

窝在家里的一周，居然因为这个来自Rockefeller center Anthropologie的漂亮围裙，老老实实做了几天饭。

 

I love NYC. 

 

 

 

 

周末，一头扎进书海里，眼睛都没有眨一下 － 我就是一个scientific nerd, 做nerd是我觉得最幸福最充实的事情。

然后就是和邻居social, 可是很失望的发现，虽然这一片环境优美，住户的学历水平却是中等到低低水平，talk, talk, 总是秀

才遇到兵的感觉，无耻地说一句：我只好把自己的XX彻底地掩盖起来，以便和芳邻们打成一片。

妞妞不在，我和CHEN PENG就是彻底的孤独户，吃饭要么凑合，要么下馆子，要么蹭饭，极其没有追求。最近迷上了East grand

buffer的雪蟹腿，隔不了几天就要去老饕一下。

最近还有个好事，就是绿卡不用排期了，在美华人的福音啊！我对爸爸说：就是走着走着突然天上掉下来一个大馅饼把头砸了一

下，很疼不过瞎高兴。于是体检，填表，准备材料，忙得不亦乐乎。那天去Stelton Rd.上的HMA读PPD结果。我呢年纪越大就添了

个毛病，就是好指挥人。我的律师先生嘱咐说PPD一定要他给你个number, 不能只填阴性阳性，我就开始嘱咐老印大夫：“您一定

要给我一个number”。大夫估计这两天全是看的绿卡病人，就有心开个玩笑：
“Do you think lawyers are smarter but doctors are stupid?”
我回答说：Yeah!
大夫于是很伤心地看着CHEN PENG说：She said yes? 脸色那个黑啊！
铸成大错。。。

Got my first grant money yesterday! Total of $80,000. That was so worth the one month of thinking and editing. People congratulate me and I response to them:” isn’t that great!", shamelessly, . But hey, I am so proud of this nice little surprise and well realize those tricks that took it there.

 Isn't that nice when a thread of breeze rush in when you almost suffocated by the hot and humid air? Void and lost can never be fun when last for too long. I am a huge fan of tasting everything before making any moves. Now that I have a steady ground to stand on for a little while, I will take my d**m time. Opinions will surely change over time and people grow. Improvements are made at small increments. Do it right, watch out.

昨晚梦到一个皮肤黑黑的 tiny 小 baby, 我和另外一双手在帮他/她擦身, 皮肤菲薄仿佛就要被弄破,醒来大汗,困惑,难过.
戴许多种面具,在若干个岔路徘徊,永远在矛盾中生活. 美丽的学军也这样说.
就是这种孤独的感觉.

浓密的头发，暗色的皮肤，深邃的眼神，蛊惑的声音
陈楚生在唱着，

 

“她轻盈的脚步在霓虹下起舞
我灵魂被她摆布跟随着她的脚步”

 

是的，灵魂被他摆布，仿佛又回到青葱岁月。

生在6月24日，果然。怀抱纯净的野心，我最熟悉的一种。

AMERICAN PIE

Don Mclean

 

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.

 

But February made me shiver
With every paper I’d deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn’t take one more step.

 

I can’t remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.

 

So bye-bye, miss american pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

 

Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock ’n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

 

Well, I know that you’re in love with him
`cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.

 

I was a lonely teenage broncin’ buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.

 

I started singin’,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

 

Now for ten years we’ve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen,
In a coat he borrowed from james dean
And a voice that came from you and me,

 

Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.

 

We were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

 

Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The birds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the jester on the sidelines in a cast.

 

Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?

 

We started singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

 

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devil’s only friend.

 

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that satan’s spell.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw satan laughing with delight
The day the music died

 

He was singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
And singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

 

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I’d heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn’t play.

 

And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.

 

And they were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die.
"this’ll be the day that I die."

 

They were singing,
"bye-bye, miss american pie."
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
Them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, "this’ll be the day that I die."

每逢节日的几天, 我总会不可遏制地思念起故人来, 就像月圆之夜, 苍狼总要遥望故乡.

YUAN发来EMAIL说:"十年聚会了，来了60人", 想到他/她们现在的样子, 心里隐约感到甜蜜和悲伤...

繁忙的生活, 陌生的环境是适合遗忘的, 我真的忘却了许多.

原来YING写信给我, 因为疏忽和忙碌没有回复. 这件事说给Z听, 他认为怎么可以对待老同学这样无情无义. 我于是开始愧疚, 直到现在. 后来我在暗暗心里发誓, 应该是自己的责任, 决不躲开...很多感情是深入骨髓的, 与爱恨无干.

---

永远都不能休息. 结束一个阶段原来只是另一个阶段的开始, 继续努力吧!

Z曾经说:"运气来了门板都挡不住", 他的命运的转机发生在两年以后, 然而看他当时兴高采烈的表情, 似乎早已经预料到上天将要眷顾. 其实所谓”运气”不过是上苍跟凡人开得一个玩笑, 因为一般来讲, 它不喜欢给人努力的机会. 记得以前他讲给我的”汪洋中的一条船”的故事, 那是上个年代的台湾电影, 残疾青年郑丰喜为改变命运奋斗了一生, 临终前问他的儿时旧识, 那已经成了大学教授的小乞丐:”五哥, 我够不够努力”. “兄弟, 你够”. 一部令人激动的电影,衬托一种愤愤不得志的心情, 以及一种对将来无限的盼望和勇气. 这部电影的英文名字叫做 ” He Never Gives Up”  (http://www.pts.org.tw/special/000129/story.htm).

 

即使是小Jenny的降生, 也离不开片刻忘我的疯狂. 我的RN Burnett其实人非常好, 她一直在旁边耐心地鼓励我hang on and further, 但是Jenny的身体太大, 有那么一刻我以为她再也出不来了, 然而在绝望的一瞬间, 心灵触及谷底,却有一股战斗的力量以最庞大的声势复活, 它势不可挡, 呼应女儿来到这个世界上第一声嘹亮的呐喊, 那一刻, relief和骄傲的甜蜜感觉让整个人都很high. 我意识到我其实是为这种感觉而生的. 我反复咀嚼短短一生里最重要的几次重生, 开始盼望下一次的迅速来临.

 

我的血液是斗士的血液, 在修养生息后精神抖擞, ready for her task. It is her fate.

 

远处已是号角连天, 我怎么还能裹足不前?

歌曲：童
歌手：王菲 专辑：唱游
曲 词:王菲
编曲:窦唯

 

你来的那天雪花纷飞
我於是掉眼泪
你带著一身明媚
离开我温暖的堡垒
你是我的依赖
你是天的安排
你来填补空白
你说来就来
你不能去学坏
你可以不太乖
我的爱

我怕你不知道我是谁
你让我慢慢体会
你带著一身光辉
照亮我心底的漆黑
你是我的依赖
你是天的安排
你来填补空白
你说来就来
你不能去学坏
你可以不太乖
我的爱

 

给我全世界的玫瑰
还是结冰的眼泪
我其实无路可退
谁让你就是我的宝贝
我不能太宠爱
我怎能不宠爱
我的爱